sup bitches .
so wow .
pretty crazy 2 months i've had .. i havent written .
i dont really catch up on livejournal anymore ,
because , i used to use it to brag about daniel ,
but , seeing as he left me + all ,
there's not much i have to write about
LOL my life = boring now .
um not much has happened . we had another competition ,
our points went up like crazy ..
we almost placed second . we were TWO POINTS away .
but we ended up unofficially placing third .
it was real amazing .
um . me+ bryan ended up dating .
we spent a day together on spring break ,
+ he asked me out on march 28th ,
AT 10:03 PM . it was in a text message .
i thought it was really cute .
i was with megan + i ran around my house squealing like a mental case.
ahaha . anyways , spring break with him was really cute .
we spent this one night together ,
we went out with my family for dinner + like ,
he came over + we watched a movie , + he held my hand ,
+ my cats liked him .
+ i got to see him every day at school + it was really , really amazing .
but , i broke up with him on monday .
spring break was the only day i hung out with him outside of school .
it was before we even started dating ,
+ i didnt even hang out with him + we were dating for almost a month .
it made me feel like poop . + it was really really unfair to him .
it's really hard for me to be with boys because my mother is so protective .
like , she doesnt let me anywhere ,
under any circumstance ,
+ no one seems to be able to wrap their heads around that .
it's a really dumb situation to be in ,
but im stuck with it , + it's not changing any time soon .
+ on top of having NO TIME with him ,
i didnt get along with his friends , like , at all .
none of them like me . + i hate it .
like , what on earth did i ever do to brett , or jenn , or anna ,
that makes them hate me so much . honestly .
+ i've been nothing but nice to sara . i actually really like sara ,
but i always got this sneaking suspicion that she hated me ,
+ i talked to bry about it a couple times
+ all he had to say was , " oh well she just doesnt know you that well "
what , just like all his other friends ?
whatever man . they all just hate me . + it makes me feel awful ,
but there's not much i can do to change it .
they made up their minds about me this year , + thats just all there is to it .
i miss him a lot though . i went to watch him play soccer the other day .
he's a really neat boy . i wish i had more time + was a better person ,
that way i could see him all the time , + his friends might actually like me .
but alas . i hope we'll keep talking though ,
cause , i really still care about him a lot .
he can just , he can be happier with someone else , thats all .
daniel started talking to me again ,
which hurt a lot . i saw mrrage in my inbox + basically was like AENJTKSHEYHSASGDHYJTGSJYSEYHSJFHY in my stomach .
i still love him . a lot .
but , thats all done with + over now .
im trying to move on , but i feel like still holding onto him affects everything .
it's like , i can't even properly care for people anymore .
i wish i was stronger , + i could move on the way he has ,
he's had 4 girls since he left me .
its been almost six months since then .
i've had a chance to open up to him a lot though , about how i feel + such .
i like how we are now . we're good friends ,
+ we can be open with eachother , + we can sometimes talk about old times ,
+ even though i get a stabbing pain in my stomach ,
or my breathing starts fluctuating weirdly ,
i still appreciate that he's holding onto the memories .
but like i said , i wish i could be strong like him ,
where i could hold on to the memories without holding on to the love .
but , thats just me i guess . more of a reason why people dont get along with me ,
his voice still makes my stomach drop , when we talk on the phone ,
+ i still get butterflies when he signs on msn .
i dont plan on seeing him though . everyone keeps saying chances are i'll want to eventually ,
the same as i eventually started talking to him
but i really dont think so . i cant do it to myself .
i cant even leave my house without makeup on for fear that ill see him
+ i constantly think about how seeing him would make me want to die
like , if i saw him in the middle of the grocery store ersomething ,
i know for a fact my body would go numb , i'd try to turn the other way ,
i'd immediately start crying , + would probably end up collapsing into some old lady randomly . LOL .
anyways . it's good to have him in my life again ,
even if it's just as a friend .
he's changed so much . + he's moved on to drugs + junk .
like , really bad .
+ i hate it . i worry about him constantly , even though i shouldn't .
but , i do . i dont really have a say in his life though .
like i dont want to show up almost six months after he left me + start asking him to make changes ,
or start bossing him around or whatever .
anyways . ill talk about that more another day .
im upsetting myself LOLOLOL .
LOL JOSHUA IS MAKING ANNOYING NOISES ON THE PHONE SO I PUT IT DOWN
NHGDFHNDFNK OMG HE WONT SHUT UP.
megan + i have gotten closer in these passed few months , i think .
im really really happy .
like , a lot .
i feel so good about being best friends with her .
we always said it would last a really long time , her + i ,
but , sometimes it got really rocky .
+ i thought to myself like , i wonder if it really will last forever like we constantly say .
but really , i think it will .
just the way we fight , + the things we say to eachother .
i really love her with everything in me .
i love her like a family member . she fits in with my life ,
+ we have the same morals , + the same values + the same beliefs .
i care about her more than most of the people in my family ,
because she's loyal , + she's sincere , + she's genuine ,
+ not a moment of a day goes by where i dont trust her ,
or i think she'll turn on me at any time .
i think we've built a really strong , really good friendship .
megan really will be in my wedding party .
she really will be sitting in my house having sleepovers with me when we're 37 .
anyways . point is . things are good with megan .
+ im really happy with it . it doesnt hurt .
+ she feels like that constant thing ,
that WILL scream at me if i need it , + knows when to tell me what i want to hear ,
but it's like , she'll tell me the truth after she tells me what i want to hear ,
cause she knows i need to hear it .
i started talking to mckayla , too .
+ i met her friend steven .
i really appreciate both of them , a lot .
they're really amazing people .
i have really long talks with mckayla , + it feels really good to be close with her like that .
+ we dont ALWAYS talk about daniel ,
we talk about other things in our lives , too .
she's just , a close friend + i appreciate her company .
+ steven is just bubbly + neat + makes me smile .
my LIFE is coming here in eighteen days .
im so excited to see them .
except thursday isnt coming with them anymore ,
+ mikey got married so he's not playing with them for a while .
he took a happy little break .
but alas .
colton + his friend dan came over lastnight ,
i didnt get to spend a lot of time with megan .
they had this big meeting with my mum about asking her to manage their band .
joshua came over after ,
they ended up staying so late . LOL
+ dan kept like , putting his arm around me+ stuff .
he was really nice . it was really cute .
i was like . awe . you're cute . LOL .
bryan got high yesterday . i got disappointed .
it's like , i hold boys back from doing drugs ,
even though they want to ,
so then as soon as im gone they're like ,
SWEET DRUG TIME .
i hate it . bryans too amazing to be ruined by drugs .
same with cole . + daniel farris . + jordan .
+ joshua's girlfriend . + mckayla . + colton . + all these people .
like , just be clean .
shskjyhsrmydtujdljf . i HATE DRUGS .
so im sitting here at hesters house .
my mums out at the casino . NOT GAMBLING LOL
she went to go visit andy . he took up a second job to help pay for things .
i love andy . i hope him + my mum stay together forever .
i really love him . like , so much .
i want them to get married + have a baby .
fo shizz .
shes with hester right now + hesters friend gale .
my mum said i'd get into trouble at my dads house ,
+ didnt want me to be in the ghetto hood at home ,
so im like . sitting in hesters house alone .
being in this house reminds me of daniel ,
because of the stairs .
so i get kindof upset here .
the computer reminds me of him too ,
because of our X's + O's on msn until 7:30 in the morning last summer .
ahah . ill never forget that .
i found the screenshot of it in my photobucket the other day .
i smiled .
my neck hurts from holding up the phone + typing at the same time .
im going to go let the dogs out .
im going out of my mind with boredom .
seriously , you dont understand .
im tired , too . we went for a walk in the woods with andy today ,
+ went off the trail a couple times ,
+ i was wearing brown bermuda short cords , so my legs got all scratched up .
the walk was nice though .
but yeah . this is long . i wonder if anyone'll actually read it . LOL
twas good to get my XANGSTX out . LOL .
night kids . BE CAREFUL IN ALL THAT YOU DO .
+ keep it real . always remember where you came from .
stay ghetto .
PCE . Current Mood: calm